As usual I must provide you with a little history to help you understand the context of this picture. My children and I go for walks after school about 3-4 days a week. We live in a neighborhood with few through streets and therefore lots of dead ends. As a result, we have a fairly regular route we take after school as we can complete a loop in just under 45 minutes. We have walked this route 100’s of times over the last decade. The children are very observant and I enjoy observing the neighborhood gardens. We have walked on this same sidewalk many times, enjoying the garden next to this spot too many times to count and this heart has never been there.
A week or so ago when we went for our walk, again it wasn’t there on the way out. Yet, on the way back, my daughter said, “Look, Mom, there’s a heart in the sidewalk!” I was amazed as she decorated it a little with the pink petals. The green moss was there already and I promptly took a picture.
We marveled at it for several days, sharing it with those close to us as a celebration of Valentine’s day.
As I told the story over and over, I began to realize that which I share with you now: I had never seen it there before. My kids had never seen it there before… I don’t think it was there before.
A friend of mine said, “Maybe Shawheen gave it to you!”
Another friend said, “You should frame it and write Shawheen’s name up the side of the heart, pointing toward heaven!” I found that I agreed with my friends, this was a gift from Shawheen!
As that realization dawned on me, along with it came a funny image of Shawheen. He is dressed in possibly 17 century garb: a cap that buttons to the bill, knickers, and a vest over his shirt. He does a funny curtsy and laughs at me. He would never have dressed this way on earth, never even on Halloween! I sense in my head, him saying, “Gawd, Mom, did you just finally figure that out?!!!”
In the day time sometimes there are miracles like these. Sometimes there is grief, melancholy, and tears. And today, 18 months after the death of my son, there are still tears most nights, and some nights, like last night, I couldn’t sleep for the grief. I felt restless and aggitated, almost hyper! At some point, after meditating for a long time and not sleeping, I realized it was grief. “Shawheen, why did you do this to me?” I had to leave my bedroom to look at his pictures to bring out the grief and not disturb my husband’s sleep.
It always amazes me how 20-30 minutes of sobs, which rack all my muscles, relaxes the agitated feeling, allowing me to go to sleep…
When I am suffering, mildly during the day, I take some peace from things like this heart, which I believe he has given to me, to remind me that he is still there for me, and for anyone who needs him.