Please understand this blog is not meant to substitute for therapy! I hope that anyone experiencing abuse of any kind can obtain counseling.
Spousal abuse is trauma. Hopefully that isn’t news to anyone!
Many people wonder why someone, usually a woman, stays in the face of abuse. Fear perhaps… But fear of what?
People who abuse others have been trained in mental manipulation as part of their grooming process. Their training may have been done by parents or other family members. It is deeply ingrained. In the process of this manipulation women lose their independence. They lose work, friends, and connections with family. As these things occur it becomes harder for a person to leave. They become completely dependent on the abuser, which is the intention of those who abuse. They may become afraid of their own mental wellbeing, believing they are going crazy.
The symptoms of abuse/trauma, by themselves, work against those who need to get to safety. Trauma can cause the abused to lose significant pieces of the memory of the trauma so that they literally cannot remember those things happened. They may become forgetful in general and their abuser uses this as a means to make the woman more dependent. Then the abuser, after being abusive, and the memory of the event potentially being lost, becomes incredibly charming. He’ll behave like the perfect boyfriend or husband. (This could also be a woman’s behavior if she is the abuser and it also happens in same gender relationships). The victim then experiences the ideal beau, potentially with hardly any memory of the abuse. This is an example of the cycle of abuse.
Eventually the victim will remember the abuse, maybe through lasting bruises, or broken bones. By this time, she will have to risk death to leave her captor, and get to safety.
The symptoms of trauma leave a person anxious, unable to remember portions of the trauma, and panicy when facing the memories. They may lose their self-esteem, ability to sleep, ability to remember or think clearly, and feel angry yet unable to safely express it. They may have nightmares, or flashbacks (acting as if the abuse is happening). They may need to avoid triggers, which can come in smells, sounds, and other small ways. They may struggle to feel positively about anyone and believe the world is dangerous or have other negative beliefs. They may startle easily, have a hard time concentrating, be watchful all the time. These symptoms will go on for months, often years.
I hope reading this will help people understand that people who stay in abusive relationships have been manipulated into these situations. Nobody chooses to be abused. Once there it is impossible to leave without risk.
Therapy definitely helps. There are therapists who specialize in helping people manage and lessen the symptoms of trauma. If you or someone you love experiences this, please seek help from a professional or help them seek help.