I’d like to say I’m a calm, peaceful person, full of love, and never judgmental. That’s definitely a state I aspire to, not necessarily one I succeed at maintaining. I come from energetic stock and while that can be a blessing, it can also be a hardship in disguise. That energy can translate into intensity at times, with occasional snaps.
Years ago, when my preadolescent children were toddlers I had the opportunity to participate with them in a Waldorf preschool class. I remember being impressed, partly by how the teacher would take an acting-out child aside to talk to him/her, barely above a whisper, yet I was even more astounded by the cooperative results she got.
I’ve raised five children and inevitably there are times when, while juggling cooking a meal with asking for help from them, that I’ll find myself frustrated to the point of yelling. I’ve worked on it, both by taking care of myself through exercise and meditation, and by following that Waldorf teacher’s example, yet I’d “relapse” into yelling. I knew it wasn’t the right approach and I would apologize, yet it would happen again, albeit less often than before.
Almost three years ago, I suffered the tragedy of the death of my eldest son, more recently the timely death of my father, then of my mother, in quick succession. My son’s death shattered my heart wide open, enabling me to access a closer connection to the spirit world than I had managed before. My parents’ deaths stirred up that grief and added to it in a complicated web of sadness and loss, intensifying my connection to all-that-is. Still, at least in the agitating heat of summer, I’d at times ‘relapse’ into yelling.
Then, a couple nights ago, I had an amazing dream. I’d been struggling with this irritation with my children and I asked God and my guides for help. When I fell asleep, I dreamt I saw my dad across a field of vividly, emerald green grass-it was almost twinkling. I remember thinking, ‘he’s dead so I probably won’t be able to hug him.’ I noticed his handsome, much younger self, barely balding with lots of curly, brown hair. I remember feeling joyous and surprised to see him. I yelled a greeting and ran across the field to him, wrapping my arms around his surprisingly solid body. I was surprised, having expected him to vaporize and disappear. I felt both his denseness and his deep, intense, and unconditional love, as if I were in the arms of God. Then I woke up.
I wondered later if I were in the arms of God and my dad was just a visual that my brain could make sense of.
That dream stayed with me, feeling both real and life transforming.
That morning, while I got ready for work, I felt calm and filled with love. When I asked something of my children and they didn’t hear me (or listen to me), I continued to speak calmly and touched them gently to help ‘bring them back to earth’ so to speak. I got excellent results!
It has been over a week since the dream and I won’t pretend I haven’t had moments when I felt my frustration level rising, even starting to raise my voice, yet something reminded me of the dream, the feeling of love, and I’d quiet my voice and get the same wonderful results. I whisper and nuzzle their cheeks. I don’t know why it seemed so hard before to stop what I was doing to go touch them gently, but it doesn’t seem hard now. I pray that I can stay in the light!
Having a full week pass, I now visualize myself in those arms of complete, unconditional love, which reminds me it’s there. There in the spirit world is that completely unconditional love, available at all times to help us through the hard times in this physical world.
Do you have dreams that feel real? Do you struggle at times to keep your cool? Share your insights and struggles here!
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